20 Ways To Get Akatsuki To Kill You
by BloddyRose13
Summary: 20 ways to piss off Deidara, Sasori, Kakuzu, Hidan, Itachi, Kisame, Pein, Konan, Zestu, and yes, even Tobi. WARNING MANY YAOI RELATED JOKES,IF YOU DON'T LIKE YOU DON'T READ! Also there will be character bashing. Discontinued to be posted on DeviantArt.
1. Deidara

Tell Deidara he's a _she_ then pull off his pants to prove your point.

Do this in front of entire Akatsuki.

Write a M rated Deidara Sasori one-shot and give it to him claiming you found it in Sasori's room.

Watch how he reacts.

Take the fic and show it to all of Akatsuki, now say Deidara and Sasori wrote it about their late night adventures.

Replace every article of clothing he has with womans clothes (do this while he's in the shower).

While his back is turned cut off a lock of his hair.

Make a shrine to him and wear the piece of hair as a necklace.

Make sure he walks in on you worshiping him in the creepiest way you can think of.

Stalk him where ever he goes.

Chain him to a bed and tell him you will love him.

Tell him that you love him so much after your done you will kill him with you so you can make art together.

Knock him out, drag him outside and wake him up, when he freaks out, suggest sweetly that he had a nightmare.

Hide all of his clay in Sasori's pants, see how far he'll go to get it back.

Record him singing in the shower and post it on youtube.

Hide under his bed while he's going to sleep and repeatedly rasp, "Red Rum".

Squeeze super glue on his hair brush before he wakes up.

Rip out the hair brush half way through the day.

Kick him between the legs and say, "Now Sasori can be the daddy and you can be the mommy!"

Pretend you're talking to him then go over to Sasori and give him a kiss. Say it's from Deidara.

And lastly, run like a bat out of hell.


	2. Itachi

When ever he does something shout, "WEASEL ACTION!"

Take all of his cloaks and replace them with Wonder Pets capes.

Whenever he tries to talk interrupt him with, "this is serwious."

Tell Kisame loudly that he needs to take better care of his pet weasel.

Put a leash on Kisame and tell him it's his seeing eye shark.

Put nude pictures of Orochimaru all over his room.

When he demands to know who did this tell him Sasuke did.

Tackle him and start to pour make-up remover on him, when he asks what you are doing, tell him he needs to take off his mascara.

Burst out into tears every time he walks into the room.

When he finally asks why you do cry, "Because both you and Deidara are prettier girls then I am!"

Ask him if being silent it part of his mid-life crisis.

Tell all of Akatsuki that he only left his brother alive because he wanted someone to rape in the future.

Show everyone a _very _good picture of him and his brother kissing.

Give him a button that says, "Speak slowly, I'm a worse then a blond."

Seal his headband.

Draw a target on his forehead.

Give him back his cloaks, but have your face sewn on the back.

Whenever he walks into the room play "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story.

Tell him bluntly that every one makes him gay because he's to pretty to be straight.

When he gets all silent and angsty give him an endless supply of razor blades.


	3. Kisame

Kisame

Make him home made soup.

Cry until he eats it.

When he tells you its good scream and run around yelling he's a cannibal.

Tell him he just ate shark-fin soup.

Steal his sword.

Run around waving it at no one in particular screaming, "Ima cut you ta ribbons!"

Rip off his pants to see if his pick up line was true. (Akatsuki Pick-Up Lines: Kisame: I've got two of what most men only have one.)

Cut off one of them and feed it to Zestu.

Buy one of those fighter fish and challenge him to duel.

Put his hand in warm water while he's sleeping.

Kick him between the legs and tell him Itachi is your uke dammit!

When ever he walks into the room yell, "Save me from the rapist!"

When ever he's just leaving the room whisper loudly, "He's going to go pay his respects, he had to flush his parents down the toilet a little while ago."

When he goes out, wait till he's around a large group of people then run up to him.

Shout, "Kisame-chan! You forgot your ointment for your SPECIAL PROBLEM!"

'Accidentally' pants him in public, revealing his shark boxers.

Steal every article of clothing he has and replace it with a Little Bow Peep outfit.

Glue a fin on his cloak while his back is turned.

Return his sword.

When he hugs it, take it back and exclaim, "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THAT'S BEEN!"


	4. Pein

Pein

Tell him that Konan isn't his bitch, she's sleeping with all the members.

Sit on his lap and call him papa.

Call him the punked Santa.

Tell him Deidara and Sasori are making loud noises that sound like cries for help.

Lead him towards the sound.

Make him explain what they are it they're not cries for help.

Ask him loudly to explain what lust is.

Tell him the last person you loved who had a God complex, ended up with a heart attack on a stair well after being shot several times. (Light Yagami)

Make him some tea.

Cry till he drinks it.

Tell him you made it out of the water Hidan used to mop up the floor after a ritual.

While he's sleeping, rip out one of his earrings.

Frame Konan.

When they start arguing yell loudly, "Mama and Papa are gonna separate!"

Cry and ruin their cloaks as you try to hold them together.

Scream, "Papa is mean!" and kick him where no man wants to be kicked.

Destroy his office.

Tell him you'll fix it.

Fix it.

With a pretty princess-pony-pink-frilly-flowery-theme.


	5. Hidan

Hidan

Put a sign outside the Akatsuki base that reads, "No shirt, no entry!"

Steal all of his hair gel.

Slick back your hair and walk around pretending to be him.

Every time he opens his mouth to speak, cover it while yelling, "No swearing allowed!"

Ask him to barrow his scythe.

Beg until he gives it to you.

Cut off a certain thing of his.

Then suggest he gets Kakuzu to sew it back on.

When ever he swears, spray him with water.

Steal his necklace.

Make him watch as you deface it. (Make sure you have cut off his arms and legs before you do this.)

Tell him to get e real religion and a life.

Oh, and while he's at it, he should get a boyfriend too.

Ask him sweetly what things are against his religion.

Do all of those things.

Read him this and tell him it's only just beginning.

Tell everyone Kakuzu is his sexy seme.

Replace every song on his Ipod with Christian music.

Ask him what he wants for Christmas.

If he answers automatically say, "Since when do _you _celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ?"


	6. Sasori

Sasori

Tell him Deidara is sleeping with Sakura.

Mock his art.

Ask him if his dick is screwed on and if it means he's always hard.

Run crying to him when ever you see him.

Hug him.

Tell him he gave you a splinter.

Chase him around with a chainsaw.

Accidentally dump a jar of termites on him.

Tie a knot in the cord in his stomach.

Call him short.

Call him old.

Tell him his art will never last forever because it will rot eventually.

Laugh at him and mock him because he got beat by a girl.

Run to him crying and tell him that Deidara was killed.

Record his reaction.

Post it on youtube.

Send Deidara a love letter from him.

Saw off his arm while he's asleep, if he wakes up screaming, tell him you wanted to know if he bled sap.

Carve your signature into his arm, claming you're the artist.

Sell him to a puppeteer on the ebay.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait, I haven't been feeling funny lately so here's what I could come up with.


	7. Zestu

Zestu

Feed him plant food.

Attack him with hedge clippers

Spray him with pesticides.

Tell him that they will keep his orange-masked pest away.

Always agree with his white side, no matter what. (this will piss off the black side)

Ask him, since he's part plant, if he is a hermaphrodite.

Hide all the humans.

Use him as the spokesman for Phalange Flakes. (the cereal for the cannibal in your life)

Pull out his teeth.( ask Deidara to help you do this, possibly Kisame and Itachi as well. Dei and Kisame because they think he's creepy, Itachi... just because he's amazing.)

When he can no longer eat people, laugh in his face.

Accuse him in public of forcing poor innocent Tobi be a "bad boy".

Start an argument with the black side, something childish and that can go on forever given the proper bait. (this will piss off the white side)

Whenever he comes out of nowhere (aka the ground, tree, wall, whatever) beat him with a baseball bat, then proudly claim "The ghost is gone!"

Remember, Zestu is a plant. He needs lots of love.

And water.

And sunlight.

Also remember plants grow better when you talk to them, constantly.

They also like music.

You should get Tobi, a watering can, a flashlight(and extra batteries), a taperecorder of you talking/singing, and some loud obnoxious music, and use one of those five things to help Zestu grow, everyday, constantly.

Call him a fungus.

AN: Wow, that's so bad. But if it somehow pleases the wonderful people who review, then I will be happy! If not, I'm sorry, I hope the next one is better. Please review, nothing makes me happier! ^-^


	8. Kakuzu

Kakuzu

Burn his money.

Steal his mask.

Laugh at him, or in his presence.

Tell him that if he writes you an M rated fic of him and Hidan and let's you keep it you'll pay him (insert massive amount of money here), remember, to avoid a shitty story, give him a word limit.

Give this to Hidan as a gift.

Post this on .

Pay him........ In sewing needles

Put a small amount of Deidara's explosive clay on the money you paid him and then detonate it when it is in his safe.

Have Zestu come with you and tell Kakuzu you are going to put his hearts in a jar. All his hearts

Call him a worm (because he had/has five hearts)

Laugh at him because he was beaten by "kids"

Make him watch the scene in The Dark Knight where Joker burns the money.

Give him 10 million dollars.

Take it back and burn it to the ground.

Cut all of his stitches open while he's sleeping.

Make some sort of fee on commonly done things (i.e. walking, breathing, eating, sleeping, etc.)

Replace all of his money with play money.

Burn his clothes, so he is forced to buy new ones.

Steal from the treasury.

One word....any word..over and over and over again.

_Okay, I haven't updated in ages. I'm really sorry to all of the lovely people reading my stories. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, though I personally don't think it came out as well as the others. Reviews are welcome._

_Evil As Always, _

_BloddyRose13_


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